A woman walks up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. 一位女士走向坐在门廊的椅子上摇动的小老头 "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she says. “我不禁注意到,你看起来是多么的幸福，”女士说。 "What's your secret for a long、 happy life?" “你幸福而长寿的秘密是什么？” "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never, ever exercise." “我每天抽三包烟，每周喝一箱威士忌，吃高脂肪食品，而且从来不曾锻炼。” "Wow, that's amazing," says the woman. "How old are you?" “哦，真是太神奇了！”女士说。“您今年高寿？” "Twenty-six." “二十六。
home-wrecker 破坏家庭的第三者、小三。 A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. 一个已婚男人和他的“女朋友”见面，女朋友要求他剃去胡须。 "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." “噢，詹姆斯，我喜欢你的胡子，但我更喜欢看到你英俊的长相!我想让你把胡子挂掉” James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!" 詹姆斯回答说，“我的妻子特喜欢我的胡子，我不可能剃掉它，刮了她肯定杀了我。” "Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice... “嗯~，我求你啦，”女朋友性感小声的声音对他说。 "Oh really, I can't," he replies..."My wife loves this beard!!" “可是真不行，”他回答道，“我老婆超爱这胡子。” The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. 在女朋友再三请求下，他终于屈服同意了，把胡子给刮掉了。 That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. 詹姆斯夜里回家后，当他老婆熟睡时，爬上了床。 The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!" 妻子朦朦胧胧地摸了摸他的脸说道，“噢，迈克尔，你不应该在这里，我的丈夫很快就要回来了。”
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
Mr Bob was having tr0uble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleepinggg pills. Sunday night， Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, str0lled i n and said to his ***s "I didn't have a bit of tr0uble getting up this morning." “That's fine” roared the boss, "but where! were! you! Monday and Tuesday!?"
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "It will rain tomorrow." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director again and said, "There will be a storm tomorrow." The next day there was a storm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to pre*dict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot an important scene tomorrow," said the director. "And I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts. The doctor asks, "What do you mean?" The man says，“When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee-OUCH!When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts." The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you-you've broken your finger!"
A father of five children came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be give the present. "who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everyting she is told' he inquired there was a silence and then a chorus of voices :you play with it ,dad
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" 一个男孩问他的爸爸：爸爸，臭虫好吃吗？ "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. 爸爸回答：太恶心了，我们还是别再吃饭的时候讨论这个问题。 After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" 饭后，爸爸说：儿子，你刚刚想问我什么呢？ "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone." 没事了！ 儿子回答： 刚刚，你汤里有个臭虫，现在没了。 ---------- A gentleman was invited for dinner. When he hurried there and sat down, he was happy to see a roast pig in front of his seat: 一位先生去赴宴迟到了,匆忙入座后,发现自己的座位正对着烤乳猪, "Not bad, I am next to the pig." 于是大为高兴的说：“还不错,我坐在乳猪的旁边.” But then he noticed the angry fat lady sitting next to him. 这时才发现身旁的一位胖女士正愤怒的看着他, He faked a smile and added: "Oh I am sorry, I meant the roasted one on the table." 他忙陪笑改口到：“对不起，我没说你,我说的是桌上那只烤好的.”
A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friend with him. While he's talking to his grandma, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandma, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off."
关注微信公众号'真真味道',给真真留言。 文本： A boy saw many people in the street flock together looking at something one day. Curiously, he went there and wanted to see what had happened. There was a crowd and it‘s difficult for him to get inside. Since the boy was quick-witted, a good idea suddenly occurred to him. He shouted to the crowd, ― The one killed is my father.‖ The crowd parted immediately and he got inside at once. However, to his great surprise, he found that lying in the center of the crowd was a dead donkey.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack & was taken 2 the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up ? God said, “No, you have another 34 years to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital & have a face-lift surgery, liposuction, & tummy tuck. She even changed her hair color Finally she was released from the hospital. While crossing the road on her way home, she was killed by a truck. Arriving in front of God, she asked “You said I had another 34 years to live.Why didn’t you save me from the truck?” God replied:“I couldn’t recognize you!”
以下是录音的文本，想要给真真留言，关注微信公众号“真真味道” Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
A woman got on a bus, holding her baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Ada and Eve （ and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys， from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
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当“阿拉灯神丁”可以满足你一个愿望，你会许下什么呢。 查看文本，请搜索微信公众号“真真味道”。
